$1.05 Million. That’s how much money Rory Mcilroy’s caddie, J.P. (Johnny Paycheck) Fitzgerald made for toting Rory’s bag around for 72 holes at the Tour Championship a few weeks ago. In Johnny Paycheck’s words, it was like “a tsunami just hit my bank account!” Hold your h̶o̶r̶s̶e̶s̶ clubs Johnny. A tsunami hitting your bank account is when your buddy convinces you to buy a round of fireball shots for the whole gang and you wake up the next morning knowing it’s nothing but ramen on the docket for the rest of the week. But I digress.
The purpose of this public service announcement is to shed light on what is the best thing to happen to the every day American since the Gold Rush of 1849, and to provide a 3 point plan for how you can take advantage. The steps below will serve as your golden ticket to what I am deeming the 2016 Job Of The Year: The PGA Tour Caddie.
1. Drop out of school: You’re a caddie now. The last thing that a promising young golfer wants is to deal with is someone who reads gooder then thay du. Take Tiger Woods for example. Steve Williams proves he is literate by writing a book and boom. Toast. See ya later.
2. Embrace the golf cart: The more golf carts that are out there, the less competition you have for your dream job. Imagine the thousands of eager young caddies vying for the attention of your suitor. No thanks. While Chad and Ian are filling up their cooler full of nattys for the back 9, you will be on the back of the range perfecting your craft; walking off yardages, holding an umbrella over a golf bag, standing off to the side of tee boxes, being upset at people with phones… you get the picture.
3. Caddying is who you are, it’s not what you do: From this point forward, your life revolves around your player’s golf bag. Every morning, when you take the golf bag out of the spot next to you in your bed, repeat these words: “This is my golf bag. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Without me, my golf bag is useless. Without my golf bag, I am useless.” Take it everywhere you go. Your friends will be annoyed. But thats a good thing. They are nothing but a distraction from what you were put on this earth to do: Caddie.
These three simple rules are what stand between you and doing what every man dreams of; carrying another man’s bag for 6 hours per day. Wow, I get goosebumps just thinking about it. While these rules are simple, they are not easy. If you ever get discouraged, just remember that nothing worth having isn’t worth working for….. and think about how much fun Phil Mickelson’s and Bones’ post round tickle fights must be.
High Side Golf